Pirate Profiles: Garrett Jones

Hey all. The next episode of Pirate Profiles is here. Presenting: "Garrett Jones".

The events surrounding the birth of Garrett Jones are shrouded in mystery. Among the many rumors that persist, there are some undeniable truths which must be recognized for the sake of posterity:

1. Jones is a direct descendent of the mountain man Jim Bridger.
2. His birth took place on the top of Mt. Rushmore (upon the plateau of Lincoln's hair)
3. Similar to Hercules, Jones was forced to perform 12 labors in order to rectify the act of killing his younger brother. Currently, 9 of the 12 labors have been completed.

(The last labor: save humanity from a zombie apocalypse)

By now, nearly everyone has heard of the obscure beginnings and remarkable success that Jones has had throughout his baseball career. However, few people are aware of the even obscurer and more remarkable stories of Jones' childhood. For instance, nobody talks about the tale of "Garrett Jones and the Schoolyard Bully".

It was 1988 and Jones was 7 years old. Advanced for his age, Garrett could already bench press 325lb and was 5 foot 11 inch. Much like the present day, Garrett was respected as a gentle giant who could pound your face in if he so desired. Back in those days, he protected his pals Lil' Alex and Lil' Jeffrey rather than hopes of a .500 season for the Pirates. One day though, a ginger kid named Tony started picking on Alex and Jeffrey because of their obsessions with Rubik's Cube.

("IF I CAN'T SOLVE IT, NO ONE CAN!!")

Much like a bull, Garrett was incensed by the red hair of Tony the Bully and flew into a rage promptly tearing the small child in twain. Luckily, this scuffle took place next to the river near Garrett's home. Thinking quickly, Garrett and his friends disposed of the body without problem. No one really missed Tony the Bully as it was generally agreed upon that he was a mean-spirited, miserable, and overall annoying little prat that always wanted to argue and fight other people.

Garrett did some other stuff before becoming a baseball superstar/playboy/world class pool player/cigar aficionado but those stories are for another day. Thanks to Raise the Jolly Roger for the photoshop pic. Now for your viewing pleasure: Shatner.