Doumit Dinger

Walkoff Style

Beast

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Qae_TUTeGo

Pirate Profiles: Octavio Dotel

I’m back from Japan and that means more “Pirate Profiles”. Today we examine the early beginnings of the Pirates’ ace in the hole, Mr. Lights-Out himself, the one and only Octavio Dotel.

He was born Octavious Xavier Dotel III and was raised in a stately neighborhood in Hartford, Connecticut. His mother, a famous hand model, and his father, chief librarian at the Library of Congress, groomed the young Octavious to follow in his father’s footsteps. At the age of 5 ½ , Octavious had already obtained the rank of master calligrapher, read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica and contributed a weekly column to the library science magazine entitled “The Librarian”.

(Octavio Dotel at age 13)

By the age of 15, Dotel was ready to claim his rightful spot in the competitive field of library science. However, while taking his daily trip to the eye glass repair shop, the precocious Octavious chose a walking route that led him far away from the familiar and courtly mansions and into the precarious slum neighborhood nearby. Along the way Dotel spotted a group of youngsters about his age that were waving some sticks around and running around a diamond (hint: he saw a baseball game for the first time). Intrigued, Octavious asked: “I say, you hooligans seem to be having a mirthful experience. May I partake in this activity?” Dumbfounded by what they saw and heard, the “hooligans” allowed Dotel to join them, but only after he suffered a severe nerd beatdown.

"Two nerd photos in a row...real clever there." - My conscience

"Shut it you" - Other part of conscience"

"C'mon guys stop fighting" - Me

You can probably guess the rest of the story by now. Dotel becomes cool and learns to be more street-wise. He drops the name “Octavious” for something much different and cooler: “Octavio”. His dreams of becoming a librarian are cast aside to make room for his new obsession with baseball. In the end, he is forced to reconcile his two dreams and choose only one. He chooses baseball and history is made. However, in an M. Night Shymalanesque twist that I just came up with, none of those things actually happened.

(ARRRUGGHHH???)

So what actually happened? Who knows and who cares – just like every other M. Night Shymalan movie. Roasted. Has that guy been ridiculed enough yet? Though his new movie looks awesome...*End Babbling*

Bucs Lose: Yowsah

Game Recap

Pirates lost again

Get Halladay tomorrow

Outlook is not good

Bucs Win: We're Still Slacking

Game Recap

So despite the lack of recent posts, we are still writing, just slacking tremendously. With one of us in Japan, and the remaining two of us directing our efforts towards other projects, we haven't kept up with posts. No more, at least for tonight. I present to you... A RECAP!

The Pirates looked pretty good today. It sure was nice to watch them come back to tie the game at 6 before wrecking Zambrano's life to go ahead by 3 in the 8th. Cutch putting another nail in the coffin in the 9th was also awesome to see.

I can't write about this game without mentioning the career days Cutch and the GFJ had. Cutch goes 5 for 5 with 2 RBIs and a walk, while scoring 5 times.

Think about that for a second.

He was on base every time he got to the place, and only failed to score once. That is damn near perfection. And it is beautiful.

Jones went 5 for 6 with 5 RBIs and scored twice, which is equally ridiculous, and makes me very happy as a Pirate fan.

What great outings from these two. Hopefully they continue to be produce consistently so we have offense every game.

Stare you should. We are beasts.

Now that you are obviously excited about the days Cutch and GFJ had, it's time to give you some bad news because you are a Pirates fan, and you must always have disappointment with your excitement.

Aki was 0 for 6.

He just continues to struggle and cannot seem to get going. If he continues down this path, it may not be too much longer before management has to seriously consider other options at second base. Say... Neil Walker?

Walker is having a great season so far in Indianapolis, and I have to think that he should get a shot to show what he can do in the Show soon if Aki can't get the job done.

I like Aki-San, but if he is not going to be able to string together some hits on a consistent basis, then the Pirates have to go with whoever is going to be able to give them that production.

Anyway, the Pirates are now 15-20, so only 5 more wins until .500.

Wahoo!

I haven't said much for a while

So why stop now.  I'll get back to it soon, I promise.

Anyways, Blass totally jinxed (jynxed?) us today by talking about how well our lineup did against Cueto.

Wednesday afternoon game = total attendance of 17

Peace out my homefries.

Pirate Profiles: Garrett Jones

Hey all. The next episode of Pirate Profiles is here. Presenting: "Garrett Jones".

The events surrounding the birth of Garrett Jones are shrouded in mystery. Among the many rumors that persist, there are some undeniable truths which must be recognized for the sake of posterity:

1. Jones is a direct descendent of the mountain man Jim Bridger.
2. His birth took place on the top of Mt. Rushmore (upon the plateau of Lincoln's hair)
3. Similar to Hercules, Jones was forced to perform 12 labors in order to rectify the act of killing his younger brother. Currently, 9 of the 12 labors have been completed.

(The last labor: save humanity from a zombie apocalypse)

By now, nearly everyone has heard of the obscure beginnings and remarkable success that Jones has had throughout his baseball career. However, few people are aware of the even obscurer and more remarkable stories of Jones' childhood. For instance, nobody talks about the tale of "Garrett Jones and the Schoolyard Bully".

It was 1988 and Jones was 7 years old. Advanced for his age, Garrett could already bench press 325lb and was 5 foot 11 inch. Much like the present day, Garrett was respected as a gentle giant who could pound your face in if he so desired. Back in those days, he protected his pals Lil' Alex and Lil' Jeffrey rather than hopes of a .500 season for the Pirates. One day though, a ginger kid named Tony started picking on Alex and Jeffrey because of their obsessions with Rubik's Cube.

("IF I CAN'T SOLVE IT, NO ONE CAN!!")

Much like a bull, Garrett was incensed by the red hair of Tony the Bully and flew into a rage promptly tearing the small child in twain. Luckily, this scuffle took place next to the river near Garrett's home. Thinking quickly, Garrett and his friends disposed of the body without problem. No one really missed Tony the Bully as it was generally agreed upon that he was a mean-spirited, miserable, and overall annoying little prat that always wanted to argue and fight other people.

Garrett did some other stuff before becoming a baseball superstar/playboy/world class pool player/cigar aficionado but those stories are for another day. Thanks to Raise the Jolly Roger for the photoshop pic. Now for your viewing pleasure: Shatner.

Boom. Roasted.

Pirate Profiles: Andy LaRoche

Article ideas have been hard to come by. The Pirates haven't been particularly bad or good lately, though they are starting to pick up some hard fought wins. Brainstorming sessions have made me wonder "What is the story behind our favorite Pirate players?". Without further ado this is the series I like to call: "Pirate Profiles".

Andy LaRoche was born in Fort Scott, Kansas and grew up chasing tumbleweeds around the barren plains of that desolate state. As a result, Andy built up his speed and was destined to be the fastest baseball player since Rickey Henderson (who had a career 1,406 stolen bases - most all time). Unfortunately at the age of 18, LaRoche broke his leg in a collision at first base which left him unable to steal a base ever again. Not willing to give up his future in baseball, Andy began an intensive training program in which he would hit balls only to the fence of the ballpark - no further. At that point he knew was destined to go for the all-time doubles record. He currently has 40 doubles in 4 major league seasons.

("Chalk up another double for me. boom baby!")

On July 31, 2008, Andy was traded to the Pirates. He was the de facto starter at third base and was united with his brother Adam. At first, I thought the Pirates acquired Andy merely because he is Adam's brother and that they could use "The Brothers LaRoche" as a late season gimmick to attract fans to the ballpark. After he batted .151 in his first season and posed with his brother in multiple photo ops, my suspicions were confirmed.

(Andy: "What am I doing wrong...big brother, please teach me your ways."

Adam:" I have no brother.")

Every once and a while, Andy launches an "Andy Bomb", which is a not so subtle nickname for a homerun hit by Andy LaRoche. These "Andy Bombs" are far and few between and Andy considers them failures for they do not count towards his ultimate goal of breaking the major league doubles record. After extensive research, I've created an exhaustive list of Andy's likes and dislikes.

Likes

• Doubles
• Big Brother Adam
• Godzilla
• The LaRoche Family Crest
• Kickball

Dislikes

• Any hit other than double
• Florida
• Mustard
• Exercise balls
• Pokemon

In sum, Andy is the man. You can tell by his stance.

Thanks for reading and look for more "Pirate Profiles" in the near future. Peace out.

Well, we're the Pirates

With the strong start I had almost forgotten this was no a year in which we really had a chance of winning anything, but exciting for other reasons.  This year we get the chance to watch McCutchen develop into an elite player, see a lot of young guys with tons of potential get their call up for the first time, and watch some pretty exciting talent develop throughout the system.  The team will win sometimes, but more often it will lose.  I'm just excited that we get to finally see the hope for our future.

Also, finals over, more time for this again.