Pirates set record

For sucking. The 22-0 blowout loss to the Brewers today was officially the worst loss in all pirate history. Yes that's right, all pirate history. Worse than the first time people realized what Napster was doing and definitely worse than when Jack lost the Black Pearl.

(Lego artist rendition)

So enough talk about the epic meltdown of a series that the Pirates experienced. As my mother always says, "If you don't have anything nice to say about something, don't say anything at all". Therefore, let us move on.

Amidst the recent poor play of the Pirates, it has been hard to ignore the fact that young Andrew McCutchen is putting together a fine statistical season. Particularly with respect to stolen bases, on base percentage and batting average. The Cutch is batting .285 with an OBP of .365 and is currently leading the majors in stolen bases with 9. Not bad for a guy in his second year in the majors. Cutch stole 22 bases in 108 games last year and at his current pace he could easily get t0 50. Stealing bases is an essential tactic for a team that has to rely almost entirely on the power of Garrett Jones for the longball. To be a good base stealer, it takes a crazy amount of body control, speed, and agility. In other words, the same skills that Kevin Bacon showed us in Footloose.

(Gotta gotta cut footloose! Footloose! Kick off your sunday shoes!)

So here is my advice to McCutchen: You gotta dance dogg, just dance! Here is a true story: I used to play on a deck hockey team and I really wasn't really good. I played about half a season or so and didn't score a single goal even though I frequently played on offense. Prior to the next season I learned to play Dance Dance Revolution and spent hours training the coordination of my feet. The next deck hockey season my average goals and points per game were significantly higher than the previous season. (p < .001). Coincidence you say? Statistics don't lie, my friend. DDR = better statistical performance.

("b" is the probability that you will listen to "Party in the U.S.A." and enjoy it)

So c'mon Cutch. I know I applauded your effort earlier but now I'm reconsidering my opinion. 9 stolen bases so far is weak. Imagine what you could do with the power of DDR and other rhythm games. Start dancing or just quit baseball already.